Are You Waiting for Your Pot of Gold?

Or, Is It Deadweight Dragging You Along?

A couple of years ago, I was working with a start-up. It had been started by my friend and her idea was not only compelling, but also close to my heart. I had been leading a powerful initiative that had positively impacted women and their families, when they were at their most vulnerable. That was now drawing to a close and the question was on the evolution of my role, especially as my friend had entrusted me with the position of co-founder.

I had come back to work after a longish hiatus. The work had a larger purpose, was intellectually satisfying, and there was enough and more traction that the start-up had.

But….my heart was not in it.

Every minute that I had to spend there felt like an imposition. I dreaded meetings, sudden calendar invites (justified no doubt from the organization point of view, but which, to me, felt like unreasonable demands on my time), and trying to justify my presence in the set-up. Every cell in my body and mind was crying out, “Leave, leave now. I don’t want to do this.” But I didn’t, I couldn’t. I hemmed, hawed and tarried with my confused state.

So what was holding me back? It wasn’t as if I was getting paid, so that was not the reason. It was partly about reclaiming my identity as a “working” member of society, and to have an answer to the “What are you doing nowadays” question, instead of embarrassingly mumbling something unintelligible.

[For my travails on Finding my Purpose, this is a link to the article

https://reemasen.substack.com/p/what-is-your-purpose-in-life]

It was also about keeping my family happy. They were worried about I not doing anything (well anything that they thought was useful anyway), since I had quit my career in banking.

I too wanted to be “gainfully engaged”, and I was not able to rationalize my deep reluctance that had caught hold of me from within. That perplexed me. Was this a test that God had set out for me? To see how I would respond to doing things that I did not want to. He had set me on this path, when I had least expected it, so He must be wanting me to continue. And now that I knew all about Karma, and repeated patterns in life, was I condemning myself to another round of whatever, if I didn’t continue on this path?

[For the confused state of mind that I was in, but which yielded brilliant outcomes, please read

https://reemasen.substack.com/p/i-dont-know-why-i-am-doing-what-i]

I also became aware of another insidious thought, which was weighing on my mind. Of course, there was the opportunity of getting back my lost professional fame. Getting back to networking. Getting back to the hustle-bustle of building a business. And also, there was a possible significant upside if I continued with this venture. Maybe in 5 years, 7 or 10. There was a real chance to make some money. And so here I was, with a potential pot of gold calling out to me, and I was thinking of throwing it all away, knowing that this opportunity would not come again.

I saw myself, sitting on the bus of life that was being driven by my mind. I had to tell the driver which directions to take, and I was carrying that pot of gold in my hands. The pot was very heavy, because at that moment there was no gold in it. It was deadweight that I was lugging along. It was tiring and burdensome to keep carrying that bag full of expectations from the future.

Once I kept the pot down, I felt lighter. I knew then that I had to take the decision based on the present moment. Not on what the future might bring. I could continue only if my heart and mind were truly aligned to the venture at that moment. Not based on the hope that it would someday align in the not too distant future, and definitely not based the pot of gold that I could possibly get.

Have you had a similar experience to share? Let me know in comments below. Looking forward to reading them!

PS: For those interested, no, I did not continue with that venture. I retreated into seclusion. And for those who ask me about what I am doing now, I have got my perfect answer. I am Just Chilling, and enjoying every minute of It.

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